I can't drive standard. I've had 3 people try and teach me. When I was young, my dad tried to teach me and it was just awful. He didn't explain things and so I couldn't do it and we would both get frustrated. This was compounded by my mother and others telling me horror stories about fucking up while driving stick such as rolling back and hitting people, being unable to get up hills, killing clutches and seizing engines. Matt tried to teach me and that went ok, but we only went once and I ended up stalling multiple times with cars behind me. So by this point I had a healthy fear of standard. Here was something that millions of absolute morons could do and I could not. Really, the mere thought of trying makes me feel a bit panicky.

Seth took me out a couple of times down in Florida. He was a great teacher after I was able to get past my fear. After a long break, he asked to take me out again, this time on a road that is actually used. I did ok for a bit and then a car drove up behind me and I got nervous and kept stalling out in a mini traffic circle. I couldn't seem to remember what to do. I find this completely humiliating. I'm not a panicky sort of person, but this in particular just really upsets me. I completely over reacted, got out of the car and made Seth drive. I cried, shamed beyond belief and stressed to the point of shaking. He was furious that I freaked out like that. Rightfully so, there is no reason I should react that way, it's almost as if it has become a phobia.

This was several months ago. He keeps asking to take me out again. I want to learn, I really really do. I want a motorcycle and to be able to drive standard in an emergency or when we rent cars in europe. Also, I find it to be unacceptable that I can't do this simple thing, it's akin to not being able to read. However, every time he asks me to go out to learn, I panic.

I don't know how to get past this. Maybe I should hire someone so I have a neutral party that I'm not worried about impressing or letting down.

It's only Thursday and we don't leave until Saturday, but in my mind, I'm already playing in the sun dappled waterfalls.

Yey! I got the internship at the UMD neurobio lab! It starts late August, early September and then I will lose my mind. I will get to work at 8am, leave at 4pm, get to the lab by 4:30pm leave at 9:30pm. Go home, sleep, wake up, repeat. For at least 3 months. I can do 3 months. It'll be tough, but I need this so I will kick ass and take names. And then, I'll be a biologist. I can get on with my life working in science or education and no more spending my life making the rich richer. I am so freakin excited.

Girls sometimes say that they wish their boyfriends could read their minds. I posit this is much creepier than they imagine it would be. Sometimes it's nice in bed when he reads my mind all too well, but there are other times that it is a wee bit on the disturbing side.

orlarose was talking about lactaid and how her body becomes used to it. I started thinking about how lactaid works, the enzymatic activity of lactase, how lactose intolerance is caused, and whether or not your body can become tolerant to the pill. Seth looks at me and says, "I can tell what you're thinking. You're thinking about lactose intolerance, how the enzymes work that break down lactose and whether or not you can become tolerant to the pill."

So, my jaw hits the floor. He seemed to reach into my brain and pull out my thoughts word for word. I mean, that was *really* specific and the only bio stuff he really knows is from listening to me babble about homework. it just seemed especially odd.

With the exception of being weirded out, we had a fantastic day looking at cherry blossoms with orlarose and J.

( Cherry Blossoms and cuteness )

The cherry blossoms are in full bloom and this weekend is supposed to be mid 70's and sunny. On Sunday at 2:30 at Tidal Basin at Independence Ave & 17th Street, SW, DC there will be the lantern lighting ceremony among the flower filled trees. I really really want to go and it would be even better with friends. Anyone want to go? (orlarose I'm bribing you with bodices to come.)

Seth and I really had no plans to celebrate valentine's day, but it kinda happened anyway, in our own way. We both gave each other new experiences: He took me climbing (with J, who was good to see) and I took him out for Ethiopian food. We both really enjoyed ourselves. I really would love to climb more. I was scared at first, but I did fairly well by the end. Yes, I was still climbing easy problems (5.5's and 5.6's) but it was my first day and I'm ok with that. I feel great (except for my still f'ed up toe) and I'm anxious to go again. I think I can get good and I was getting high over pushing past my fears and going for it.

It snowed a lot.



Yet we remained strong.

Seth and I decided to slim out for winter fire. We're trying to whip our sorry asses into shape. Neither of us has really worked out in nearly a year (since I hurt my foot and he hurt his knees and then back). But, we're both tired of the extra weight and no strength, so we've made a commitment. 1200 calories/day and exercise. It's going to be much harder for him since he's a taller male and will be pushing a lot harder on the work outs, but I've never tried to limit my intake quite this much. We've started a google spreadsheet so we can each track our meals in calories and other nutritional information. Eating Well has a great thing that lists meals for certain levels of caloric intake.

Working out is going to suck being that I work 10 hour days M-Th and have school work on top of that, but I'll try. Seth's planning on lifting in the morning and doing an hour of P90X workouts at night. If he can keep up with it, he should be looking damn fine by Winter Fire.

I'm setting my weight goal to 118. I'm 125 now. I think I can do 7 lbs in 30 days, but only time will tell.

I have never been to a convention. Well, that's only partially true, I worked at a weekend long one, but I stayed with a friend and was less concerned about budget since I wasn't paying for entry or a hotel room. Now, Seth and I are going to our first Con next month and are looking for ways to cut costs. Eating out 3 meals per day doesn't seem like that good of a plan. There are no fridges or microwaves in the rooms, unfortunately. I was thinking of pulling from my bag of (camping) tricks and cooking over a campstove in the bathroom.

What do you guys do when you go to a con?

Will you still love me when my skin starts to give way its youthfulness under the weight of time? When my hair streaks with gray and my body decides that I need to redefine "adventure". You will be old too, then. Your many broken bones from your wild youth will have caught up with you. But, I look forward to supporting you. Your hair is already beginning to streak with gray. But, I think it's very handsome. I look forward to your crow's feet, they look like years of joy etched onto one's face.

To me, watching someone age is a thing of beauty. I feel (or fear) like you appreciate youth and the common views of beauty much stronger than appreciating the wonder in watching someone change.

So, tell me because this is important. Will you still love me when I'm old?